JACK FROST

I never like cold weather. It makes me feel lonely. But then I'm here in a place where its cold most of the year. I can feel that we are slowly approaching the coldest part of the year - winter. I've experienced some snow twice and guess what? More to come!

I wonder if it will snow this Christmas for I haven't experienced a white Christmas. I had my mom buy a white Christmas tree. It was our first time to have at least a good Christmas tree at home for the holidays. 

I don't know how long can I take this loneliness I feel right now, but as the day goes by and as it gets colder, my loneliness is getting worst. I miss home.

BFF

It all started around January of 2008. I was looking for a place to stay near school and work and he offered a place that's just walking distance from my school and about an hour away from work which is fine. We weren't that close yet at that time but he was nice enough to offer me that place. 

My main purpose of renting a place is to be closer to school and work although work did not went well for me so I decided to focus more on school. Aside from that, I also want to be on my own somehow at that time.

I struggled a bit on my own at first but I was able to somehow learn how to manage to be on my own at that time. My friend helped me to get through that process. Since we lived in the same house we became closer. We became good friends in spite of our differences.

I opened up to him. I told him a lot of things about myself that I prefer to keep to myself. We hangout a lot.

One night, a spin the bottle game with booze became a steamy night of passionate kiss. Since then, everything changed and things between us started to fall apart. It complicated things between us. I was scared of losing him as a friend.

He confessed to me his true feelings for me. It all got messed up because he's more like a best friend to me and I'm a total train wreck at that time.

We graduated and we went on our own way. We still chat from time to time. He recently told me though that he still have feelings for me. Honestly I don't know how to respond or what to say to him so I just said thank you.

I just want all the best for him and one thing I am sure of is that I'm not the best man for him for so many reasons. One is that I don't feel the same way he does for me. It breaks my heart to see him in pain or angry at me.

I don't know what else to do.

SOS

I have become a workaholic. I always signup for overtime at work. A co-worker told me once that when you come to a point wherein all you want to do is to work it will be either because you want the money or you are lonely. In my case I am both. I want the money and I am lonely.

I am not alone here. I live with my sister and my brother-in-law. I have a handful of acquaintances from work and other places but I don't have a real friend here nearby. I still have a few friends from the other side of the world, although I'm starting to think that I've already lost most of them.

I need to go on with my life and I can't do this alone.

Help me.

HOMESICK

This is the year wherein I left my homeland to live my 'American dream'. I've been here for about a year now but I'm still unsure whether it is really a 'dream' or a 'nightmare'. A lot people think that life is better here. One thing's for sure, I'm earning way more than what I used to earn back in the Philippines for doing the exact same job. This is one of the most common reasons on why people leave to work overseas and probably the same reason why I decided to move here. The first few months are bittersweet. I've seen a lot of new places I've haven't been before. I've experienced a lot of new things here that are worth remembering. I did not have a hard time looking for a job here. But as time goes by, I started to realized how lonely am I becoming here. Feeling lonely on a place wherein you are not alone is something I feel but I don't understand. I never had this feeling before. This feeling wherein there are a lot of people around you but none of them you can consider as a friend. Then there's this feeling of boredom for you can't just go to places where you want to go because one needs a car and one needs to learn how to drive here in order for one to go to places he wants to go. And guess what? I don't know how to drive. I wan't to learn but everyone is so busy that they don't have time to teach me and I can't afford to enroll on a driving school. There's a lot of places to go here but I don't have friends here wherein I can go out with. I feel like an outcast here. I'm here at a place where racism and prejudice prevails. People look at you as if you are a disease for you have a different color and despise you for not having an American accent. I don't feel like I belong here. I miss home. I wanna go home...

BASEMENT

Tonight is my third night sleeping here in the basement. For the past few days our basement became my new haven. I don't know what came up to my mind and sleep on a couch here at the basement for three nights in a row. Our basement is very spacious. I kind of enjoyed my stay here at the basement. Its very relaxing here. 

I really hope someday I'll be able to get my own place and start to live my life on my own. A one bedroom apartment as spacious as our basement right now would be a great start. Its not just because of the money why I'm not yet moving out but one day, hopefully soon, I will.

I'm already approaching my mid-20s and its about time that I start to think and plan of my own life. I have a full-time job. I will learn and master how to drive soon, I hope. I'm not sure though if I want to stay here or move into a different state.

Our basement gave me insights of what I want for myself. Lately I've been thinking a lot about other people and I almost forgot to think about myself. Good night.

DEPRECIATION

Wear and tear. Deterioration. Obsolescence. Decrease in value. These are some of the things that comes to my mind when I think of depreciation. I learned from my Accounting class way back in high school and college that most tangible assets depreciates. But recently I've realized that even relationships, like friendship, can depreciate too. People walk in and out of our life because our value or worth decreases in time. Some will just be there for a short period of time while others will stay there for a while.

Family. As we grow old and learn how to do things on our own we slowly grow apart from our families. Most people would move out of their house once they feel that they can start to live independently. Others stay with their families but starts to explore what more the world can offer. But there are also others who sticks with their family because they still find their families valuable to their lives. For some its because of love and/or support they get from their family while for others its because their family depends on them.

I live with my sister and my brother-in-law. I support my mom's medical needs financially even if she's miles away from me right now. I love my family. They're the most precious people I have in my life right now. They're always there for me. But at my age right now I'm starting to think that I am depending to them too much as they depend on me too. There's nothing wrong with that except that I am too close to my family that it became difficult for me to gain friends and socialize.

Friends. Facebook and Twitter people are my only social life right now. I hardly go out with friends. Most of my friends are far away from me and I only have a few good friends. I like meeting new people but my life is too boring for most people because I do not have that much to share. I do not have that much experience socializing with people. They frequently say that I am too nice and prompt. I hardly can relate with the interest of people. I am a wallflower.

A wallflower treasures friendship like a diamond. I used to believe that long-distance relationship problems only occurs on romantic relationships but then I started to realize that it can also make friendship fade. You are both busy with your own lives. You may keep in touch a lot at first but when one finds a new friend, eventually they will start to get tired keeping in touch until one disappears. Just like a kid with a favorite toy, when he gets a new toy he will get tired of his old toy, regardless of how much he liked the toy at first.

So I guess all relationship depreciates, whether it is with your family or with a friend. As much as you want to keep them, one's worth for a person is as much time a person can spare for you - regardless if one is busy or not. A worthy person will find time for you regardless if one is busy or not.

CELEBRITY CRUSH

I was watching X Factor UK videos on Youtube and then I can't help notice the head judge, Damn he's so hot! I just found myself a new celebrity crush. Whew!

I love Maroon 5 and The Voice because of him. He's so hot and sexy that every time I hear him on the radio it turns me on.

OMG! For me Thor is the hottest among The Avengers. I'll be on my knees for him.

Magic Mike is in the house! His moves are so hot and sexy you'll just be turned on even if he does not take off his clothes.

McDreamy, my ultimate crush. I was captivated the very first time I saw him on Grey's Anatomy.

MY BUCKET LIST

I saw #50ThingsIWantToDoBeforeIDie trending on Twitter right now and I realized that 50 tweets for this is too much so I decided to just make a blog post for this one.

1. Travel around the world
2. Learn how to drive
3. Learn how to swim
4. Get an MBA
5. Finish a marathon
6. Settle down
7. Be independent
8. Get my own place
9. Payoff all my debts
10. Make my mom proud of me
11. Fall in love
12. watch an Adele concert live
13. Be the boss
14. Kiss under the rain
15. Celebrate New Year's Eve at Times Square, NYC
16. Meet my father and all my brothers and sisters in person
17. Climb a mountain
18. Bring my mom here in the US
19. Watch a broadway show in NYC
20. Drive my own car
21. Go to Disneyland
22. Zipline
23. Go to a male strip club
24. Get married
25. Start my own business
26. Learn how to play the piano
27. Become a $$$ multi-millionaire
28. Have less than 10% body fat
29. Collect Apple gadgets
30. Get a DSLR camera
31. Go to a white party
32. Learn how to speak other languages
33. Raise a son and a daughter
34. Go skinny dipping
35. Bonfire at the beach with friends
36. Learn new recipes
37. Be seen on TV
38. Kiss a girl
39. Win first place on a contest
40. Visit all 50 US states
41. Attend a mass in Vatican
42. Learn how to ride a motorcycle
43. Sit under a cherry blossom tree
44. Seduce a straight guy
45. Workout to get six-pack abs
46. Get a lasik surgery for my eyes
47. Be a model
48. Pay it forward
49. Sky diving
50. Ride a hot air balloon

MOVING FORWARD

I know we've only known each other for a few months, that we can never be more than friends, and that you're nearly a thousand miles away from me right now, but I keep thinking of you. I don't know what's so different about you that you affect my life this much. For the short period of time that we've known each other, you have touched my life in a way that nobody else does.

You are moving forward with your own life and here I am stuck in the moment where you left me hoping that one day you'll come back and pick me up from where you have left me or at least someone else will pick me up on where you've left me. The only problem is I've been looking at the wrong places. I realized that you're someone that is not that easy to replace.

As I look around for a new friend I got lost and realized that I am looking on the wrong way. It just started to struck me now after what happened to me earlier today. And I'm pretty sure you guys don't want to know about that. It felt like I picked a stone to hit my head hard to wake myself up and realize these things.

Since you left, I kept on thinking a lot of 'what ifs' and 'buts'. What if I knew you before him? What if we've spent more time together when you were here? What if you liked me more than him? What if you haven't met him? I know these questions will just stay on my mind unanswered.

You found a new friend on your new home. I was able to get a chance to get to know your new friend through social networking sites and as well as with occasional chats and I have to say that he's really a nice guy. I am happy for you but deep inside I feel sad for myself.

I have to move forward.

I need to move forward.

I will move forward.

I am moving forward.

BITTERSWEET BIRTHDAY

Same date. New timezone. It feels like I've been celebrating my birthday for more than a day. Greetings from Facebook and Twitter, text messages from friends, and personal greetings from family members. Birthdays are like New Year's Day to me. I become an age older, start my journey as a 23-year old man.

My birthday celebration started yesterday when I went out with my 'friends with benefits'. He's late. That's a first. I hate late. I am very punctual with time. I don't like being late and waiting for someone who's late. But instead of hating this guy, I felt worried. I know he had a very tiring day the previous day fixing his boat and last thing I know was he's still out at the bar. I felt worried that something bad had happened but I kinda figured that he might not wake up in time and overslept. I am right. After an hour and a half of waiting, I finally received a message from him: "Shit I'm Sorry", Whew! I knew it. He overslept.

And so I went to our meeting place - the post office. It's a cold morning and I felt it the moment I opened our door and stepped out of the house. The post office is not that far so I started walking. Its good that it only took me a few minutes to arrive at the post office and I only had to wait for him for a few minutes at the post office.

We went straight to his home. We talked a bit and snuggled at his home. I still have no idea at that time on where is he taking me for my birthday. It drives me crazy but I like good surprises. It excites me a lot that's why I really like it.

After about a couple of hours, he took a shower, left his home, and went to our destination - the zoo. Great choice. He's really knows me well. If you didn't knew, that was only the second time for me to go to the zoo my entire life.

We started our day at the zoo by eating some corn dogs and fries. This is a bit embarrassing and I don't think I mentioned this to him but that was my first time to eat corn dogs. I eat regular hotdogs but not corn dogs (well not until that day). We also ate a coconut cream pie which is really good. I like cakes. I prefer cakes than ice creams.

We walked for several hours at the zoo. I saw tigers, giraffes, bears, rhinocerus, and a lot of other animals. It was a long walk, good thing I enjoy walking now more than before. I used to be the boy who gets exhausted easily even on short works. It was the first time for me to see those animals for real so it was really fun.

The best part of my zoo experience - The Skyfari. I was really freaking out and terribly scared at first, but I'm excited at the same time because it's another first for me. When I was up there with him he made me feel relax having him beside me (he really knows how to make me feel relaxed) and I started to enjoy the whole experience. I really loved it!

After having fun at the zoo, we grabbed some ice cream. He said he wants to see me eat an ice cream from the cone. He wants to see me lick an ice cream from the cone. Seriously? LOL! Well he said he's craving for an ice cream. I think that makes more sense and sounds more valid.

Then we went to this bridge that connects two different states and then we went back home because he's starting to feel tired. When we reached his home, we went to his bed and cuddled more. I fell asleep for a few minutes and when I woke him up when he woke up and had sex. It felt so great.

After that he became hungry so we went out to eat at a Mongolian grill. It was a nice dinner. I had two plates of yumminess. It was my first and definitely will not be the last time that I will eat on that restaurant. The food was really good.

Then we went back to his home and tried to help him packing his stuff. While he's packing his stuff, he opened up a lot of interesting things about him and showed me some interesting stuff he has. Then we started to snuggle again and had sex again, this time it was a lot of work because we're both tired already, but it still went out great.

Its almost midnight and its time for me to go home. So after we had sex, I hugged him tight for a few minutes. He's already tired and he still needs to bring me home and go back to his place but I insisted for that few minutes. Just a few more minutes, at that time I wish I can stay longer. I was thinking about sleepover at his apartment but I kinda felt that its a little too much for him. He already spent his entire day with me and that's more than enough for me. So after a few minutes I took a quick shower and had him bring me back home.

He'll be leaving on Wednesday. When will I see him again? I don't know. One thing I know, I will always remember him as a good friend and will keep in touch with him. I know and I believe that this will not be the last time that I will see him.

Earlier today, I took the written exam at DMV for a learner's permit and finally after my third attempt I passed the exam already. Now I can start to learn how to drive. I am so eager right now to learn how to drive so that I can go to places I haven't been before. It opened up a new hope for me. A hope that one day I will be able to drive my own car as I start to take control of my own life. That's a different story. Let's just all wait and see what will happen next.

Thank you buddy.

Friends for keeps.

xoxo

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

I met him on Grindr - not the best place to meet guys - got his number and we started messaging. After a few days we decided to meet up. I was so scared yet excited to meet him in person. He has a roommate so he waited for his roommate to go out and eat dinner before he picked me up at the post office and took me to his apartment. His 'one bedroom' apartment is on the 3rd floor. He has a roommate and his apartment has only one bedroom so I figured out that his roommate is not just a 'roommate'. 

We had sex for the first time. No penetration yet, just oral sex. It was quick but its awesome. After we had sex we cuddled a bit and started to have a conversation. I really don't know what to say to him at that time. I really enjoyed the sex, but the conversation was unexpected. It was a short but really sweet conversation. And then he need to bring me home because his roommate will arrive anytime soon so he brought me back home.

We still continue chatting and messaging after that. I started asking him questions about his roommate. At first he told me that roommate is a 'friend' of his (B*llsh*t! I don't buy that. LOL!). They've know each other for almost a year now. His roommate is an Asian college student and he was there for summer vacation from school. I found out that his roommate will be leaving the week after we first met because his classes will start soon. I was ecstatic at that time knowing that his roommate will be leaving soon. It gave me hope that I may be able to see him again.

But there's still one more thing that bothers me - are they just really 'friends'? One time we chatted, I confronted him and told him I can feel that they're more than friends and he confirmed to me that he like his roommate more than a friend. I don't know why I felt sad and somehow started to lose my home on meeting him again. It's was just sex but why did it made me feel that way towards him?

I message him every time I have a free time. Finally my phone started to have sense and become a little useful. I only have a handful of contacts on my phone. My phone is being used more for data than messaging nor calling. He replies to my messages most of the time if he's not that busy too. Waiting for his reply excites me. Finally I've met someone who apparently knows how to hit the reply button.

As I get to know him more, I found out that he's a military guy and he will also be leaving soon because he'll be assigned on a different base. I felt really sad to hear that. I almost lose hope of seeing him again. But then again, he won't be leaving 'til after my birthday. We still have more than 5 weeks left. There's still hope.

I started reflecting with myself. Do I like him? Yes, I like him a lot. Why? I don't know. I just do. What now? I guess we'll be better off as friends. When I first met him I felt that I can be myself when I'm with him. And so our seed of friendship started to grow a sprout.

When his roommate left, we started to hangout more often and meet at least once or twice a week. I got a chance to know him better. He's a very sweet guy. He has a good sense of humor. He's a bit of a bully and likes teasing me a lot. He's caring and understanding. He is a good listener. His house not perfectly clean but most of his stuff are in order. Did I mention how great he is in bed? LOL!

I opened up to him, told him some of my dark past and deepest secrets. He also did the same to me and started to open up. I started to like him more as I get to know him more. I just let myself like him. I can feel that he's starting to like me too, but I know and I can feel that he doesn't like me the same way he likes his roommate. I don't want to ruin their relationship but he's definitely for keeps so I said to myself that we can definitely be good friends.

Right now I consider him as one of my best friends. He'll be leaving soon but this is definitely not a goodbye. I still hope that our paths will cross each other again. I'm going out with him tomorrow on a 'friendly' date. He'll be bringing me somewhere I don't know yet for my birthday. I'm excited. Its the first time (and I hope not the last time) that I'll be going out with him. 

People may come and go but just because they left doesn't mean that they'll be gone forever.

Thank you for everything my friend. xoxo

THE DOG DAYS ARE OVER

After almost half a year of searching and waiting, finally my 'bum' days are over. I'll start on my new job after Memorial Day. I've been waiting for this time to come.

What to expect? I don't know. I have no idea at all. This is the first time that I'll be working full-time at a company in this foreign country. One thing I am sure of though - the pay is really good.

Am I excited? Of course I am! This is my chance to meet new people and possibly gain some new friends. Isn't it exciting?

I need to work on my sleeping habits though. I need to sleep early so that I'll get enough sleep. But the problem is I'm already used to staying up and waking up late.

TWENTY-ONE

I love Adele's music. Her voice is really amazing in a way that when you listen to her songs, you can feel her. I can relate to her songs. Most of us can.

Rolling In The Deep

"The scars of your love remind me of us. They keep me thinking that we almost had it all."

We didn't even last a year but at that time I felt that we've been together longer. We are at our best before it become worst. Everything seems fine until the day he told me that he's seeing someone else on a Christmas eve. That moment left a scar on me and until now I always remember how I felt at that time. He was my first love, maybe that's why it hurts so much at that time.

Rumor Has It

"All these words whispered in my ear tells a story that I can't bear to hear."

As I start to move on with my life alone I've found out that they didn't stayed together that long. I hate it because he's the reason why he left me and then after a few weeks he just left him too. Why did he put everything we had into waste for nothing? 

Turning Tables

"Next time I'll be braver I'll be my own savior standing on my own two feet."

I loved him too much at that time that when he broke up with me I thought for once that I've lost everything. I was not able to left some love for myself. But he's already gone. I have to move on. It took me a while before I was able to totally move on. I started loving myself again. It was not easy but I was able to do it on my own.

Don't You Remember

"I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness, and a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head"

After we broke up, I kept on thinking on what went wrong. What's wrong with me? Have I done something wrong? Is it my fault? I always remember the good times we've had together. For a while I hoped that he'll come back for me. But he didn't. We didn't have a closure. We broke up online. Because we didn't have a proper closure. But then I've thought about it and asked myself if does it really exist - proper closure?

Set Fire To The Rain

"Even now when it's already over I can't help myself looking for you."

I missed him so much. Even now I still miss him. We had a lot of good moments together even we've only been together for a short period of time. He knew almost everything about me. I thought I knew him well too but I've found out that there's still a lot of things that I didn't knew about him. 

He Won't Go

"I won't forgive me if I give up trying."

I always remember our first kiss that was the time that I felt that I am falling in love with him. They said that we'll only last for a week or two. But we lasted way longer than that. It wasn't the first time that he had another guy. The first time it happened, I stayed. I fought for him. I didn't gave up until the time he left the other guy. But then after a few months it happened again.

Take It All

"I thought you loved me more than this."

I have no regrets loving him. I gave him all the love that I can give. I tried my best. I stayed as long as I can. But he gave up. And that's when it ended. Why did you gave up just like that? But that's the way it is. I have to walk away and move on.

I'll Be Waiting

"Hold me closer one more time. Say that you love me in your last goodbye."

One last kiss, one last touch, before we say goodbye. We didn't had this closure. We weren't in good terms when we broke up. I didn't want him out of my life. But he left and I have no control with that. It's time for him to go. I told him that I'll be waiting. It took me three years before I realized that I am waiting for nothing. That he's already gone and he'll never come back again.

One and Only

"Come on and give me a chance to prove I am the one who can walk that mile until the end starts."

I hoped for a  second chance. A chance to try and make things different. I always thought that we will be able to make it work if he gave me that chance.

Lovesong

"However far away, I will always love you."

He'll always be a part of me. Even though I'm miles away from him, he'll always be my first love. I'll always cherish the good memories we've had together.

Someone Like You

 "Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

I said to myself that I'll be fine without you. that I'll be strong enough to be able to stand again after this fall. I hope that someday I'll find someone like you that will love me the way I deserve to be loved and won't give up on me.

2012 WISHLIST

Here's a list of all the gadgets that I want to buy within this year 2012:

1. MacBook Air 2012 - $ 1200.00
2. iPod Touch 64GB - $ 400.00
3. iPad (3rd Generation) 64GB - $ 700.00
4. iPhone 4S 64GB (Sprint) - $ 400.00
5. Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1 32GB (Wi-Fi) - $ 600.00
6. Nikon 1 J1 Camera (Two Lens Zoom Kit) - $ 900.00
7. Playstation Vita (Wi-Fi and 3G) Bundle - $ 400.00
8. Toshiba Portege Z835 2012 - $ 1000.00
9. Nintendo 3DS - $ 200.00
10. Kindle Fire - $200.00

TOTAL PRICE $ 6000.00

BUM

I'm stuck at home. No job, no money, no car nor a driver's license. There's nothing much to do. I'm lying here in my bed with my laptop surfing the internet, checking my Facebook and Twitter account, browsing Youtube videos and sometimes reading a book. It's been like this almost every single day. I've wasted almost half of this year doing nothing. But what should I do? I'm so sick and tired of doing nothing.

Leaving my hometown, having my loved ones on the other side of the world, living on a foreign land, different people and culture, the feeling of being alone in spite of all the people around, all of these can be so depressing. I am in a foreign land wherein a car is a necessity. Public transportation here is rare, close to nothing. With that being said, the places that I can go on my own are those of walking distance which are very limited.

I hope that I can get to work soon or at least start doing something more productive. I don't want to waste more of my precious time doing nothing.